I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
✌️
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers