My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
kids play hide and seek like
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary