Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life