Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Sheep
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?