Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
The “baby” on the left….
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder