Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
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[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.