Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.