@nerdreign: Some days it's little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we're alone, that help me realize I'd rather have the insurance money.
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@77StephanieG77: I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage.... So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
@vultural: If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don't come back they aren't a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
@WilliamAder: Me: How do you like being an Uber driver. Driver: I don't work for Uber. Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn't I?