ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
You Might Also Like
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.