@nerdreign: Some days it's little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we're alone, that help me realize I'd rather have the insurance money.
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@WhiskeySoured: To protest Donald Sterling's racist comments I'm going to continue to not care about basketball.
@scarebro: Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn't go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
@BobTheSuit: I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
@ericsshadow: WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you