@IamEnidColeslaw: some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
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@MikeRevenaugh: Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
@chrisscamurra: CASHIER: its declined ME: run it again C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out ME: no C: your name is "local resident"?
@TylerFoFyler: I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact.
@Scdavis24: Two things I will never understand the appeal of: 1) Open relationships 2) Hairless cats