some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
FINE, I WON’T.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.