@iscoff: Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it's like...I don't care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
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@iwearaonesie: *opens paper towels* dog me: It's not food *opens mail* dog me: It's not food *opens package of scissors* dog me: It's not f
@WritePlay: AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?! ME: Yeah, it's- AMAZON: You might want THIS watch! ME: No I already- AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
@LindaInDisguise: Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure. "I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody." "Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies."
@BoucheDag2k: Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win