@iscoff: Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it's like...I don't care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
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@joejwest: MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line] GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
@david8hughes: "Write this down." [Moses grabs tablet] "Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-" "Slow down, fella. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'."
@HelsNotAllowed: My boyfriend isn't allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex's there...