@RamblingMachine: Some fairy tales start with "once upon a time". Others start with "If I won the elections".
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@KenJennings: I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
@bossy_bootz: Everyone's an atheist until they're making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
@KhrisWarhol: McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.