@mattZillaaaa: Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I'm her boyfriend. I'm flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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@PaperWash: bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE! [everyone freezes] bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this'll be the best mannequin challenge yet
@JB4Realz: I've been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut. "There's more to it than that" they say. Whatever.
@s_cLaN07: My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.