@mattZillaaaa: Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I'm her boyfriend. I'm flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
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@Kim_pulsive: I had sex twice in 24hours and I'm so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
@XplodingUnicorn: Don’t do drugs, kids. The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
@JasonLastname: The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
@_NTFG_: In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories. I can't wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.