Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
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The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill