Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
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I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”