some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
titanic
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.