@BradBroaddus: Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I'm not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
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@therealeatwood: [Ouija Board] Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me? Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
@pharmasean: [At maternity ward] Me: is this where babies are delivered Nurse: Yes Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
@HyenaEars: What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"
@WeissBrandon: Me: I'm going bungee jumping Mom: y? Me: my friend John is Mom: so if John jumped off of a bridge, would you? Me: that's what I just told u