My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
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They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Cucumbers Anonymous
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Yup.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?