I see your IQ test came back negative
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When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot