Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.