*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.