Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.