“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
You Might Also Like
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.