Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.