Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”