Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
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Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
The real reason evolution started..😂
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.