Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
She puts the hot in psychotic
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
These are my emotional support Pringles.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Raisins are grape jerky.