JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
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There is no “we” in pizza
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday