Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
FRED: right