@DaddyJew: Son: room's clean Me: u better not have thrown everything in ur closet S: I didnt M:*checks* nice, but wheres everything S: in ur closet

@Bob_Janke: Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she's famous. Paris Hilton doesn't realize that ISIS didn't exist in 2004.

@bobvulfov: me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

@joanofdarkness: I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like "omg do u think he likes me???"

@thebeavs: When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I'll take one of each variety.