@Sickayduh: DAD: I can't believe you bought me a house for Christmas SON: I hope you enjoy it DAD: I'm just gonna... SON: Oh no DAD: Live in the present

@kelter1: Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian's dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.

@PersianCeltic: When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network "HELP, I'M STILL ALIVE!"

@AdamBroud: Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir. Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.