Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend