Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome