“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
never ask a starfish for directions
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie