Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts