*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
no refunds
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down