Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
every college guy’s fridge