Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
You Might Also Like
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes