Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.