Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU