Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
You Might Also Like
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
the rocks need my help
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
My circle of trust is a meatball
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.