Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Rt to bother an English speaker
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.