Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
i prefer mine room temperature.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.