Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Tuesday
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.