Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.