Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.