Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood