@Tommytoughstuff: Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They're always like "Hey man we're over here you don't even know those people."
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@batkaren: [orchestra] VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question? VIOLIN 2: Um, okay. V1: What's up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
@TheTweetOfGod: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Santa." "Santa who?" "Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass."
@goldengateblond: Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn't seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.