“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
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[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?