“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
You Might Also Like
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.