Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”