All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
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Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.