Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech